Grief & Growing Pains

Originally published in Get Griefy Magazine

Home is the feeling you get when you are with the people you love. So, if one of those people dies, does that feeling go with them? Do you lose your sense of home?

It has been twelve years since we lost my dad. And this feeling of homesickness has taken up quite a bit of space over the years. At first their absence is felt in the physical home they once lived in- every room you enter, the kitchen they loved to cook in, their closet full of clothes. And soon every holiday, tradition, milestone, and every simple thing in between starts to morph into something unsettling and unknown.

Having kids of my own has unearthed more feelings of homesickness as I navigate a new chapter without him. Building a foundation within my growing family seems to remind me that I am missing a piece of mine. It reminds me that my world has felt thrown off it’s axis and I’ve yet to find my footing.

My sense of home is neatly tied up into my identity as a daughter to two parents, their only child. We were a team, the very best of friends.  They are the two biggest pillars of influence in my life. This version of my identity is a part of my “before he died” and that is when my world made the most sense. There are moments when it feels like I am frozen in time, at the age we said goodbye to him. Twenty-four.

Home feels like the reassurance that if I looked over each shoulder, they would be right there. Every moment, big or small was made special because it was spent with them. I knew that no matter what life threw at me I would be met with unconditional love and support and that felt like a giant exhale. 

I feel homesick for an identity that I have outgrown. Homesick for a time when I walked through the world as their daughter, the two of them by my side. It’s like this strange version of growing pains- stepping into the role as wife, mother, and homeowner, while tightly grasping the title of their daughter. I find it difficult to let go of certain parts of myself because it would feel like I am letting go of him.

It’s a mental battle I face some days- being present and confident as someone’s mother while still so emotionally connected to being someone’s daughter. So, for me, homesickness feels a lot more like growing pains these days.

I feel grateful that a part of my home is still very much alive - in my mother. We have held each other in our grief as we created our new normal. We have felt the magnitude of his absence but somehow it has strengthened our bond. When grief seems to shake me at my core, she is there to help steady me and bring me into the light. The love that I still have in her is immeasurable to me. She is my reminder that all is not lost, only changed.

What I have come to learn is that grief will certainly make you feel like your sense of home has been blown apart.  And I do think a part of that feeling goes with them when they die. Because it is a feeling only their presence can contribute to.

But I don’t think it’s so black and white- nothing in grief ever is.

We might not be able to make new memories with them, but the feeling they gave us when they were alive is part of the gift of their legacy. And that can never be lost. I understand now that I don’t have to choose one identity to hold. I can be a daughter, a wife, and a mother. I can make space for each one, because they all make me who I am.

So how do we move forward when our sense of home feels changed?

It starts with simply making peace in our new reality. We cannot change what happens to us, but we do have control over how we move forward.

We know all that we have lost, but what about all that is still here? What beauty can you make from that? Think about all that you still are! Your joy, your passions, your LIFE! Get to know this new version of you. And love the people who you share your life with, and love them well- be their giant exhale.

There is still so much goodness to be found within this new landscape. Maybe our sense of home won’t be what it once was, but what if it can still feel wonderful? I think ultimate peace comes when you feel entirely at home within yourself, no matter what is happening or changing around you.

A true sense of home is found in the feeling from the people who loved us then, the people who love us now, and in the love we have for ourselves.