A SEARCH FOR PURPOSE

Right around the time I was filling out my college applications, my dad was going through a stem cell transplant for leukemia. To say that whole experience changed me, is a gross understatement. Seeing my dad come back from a treatment that could have killed him, did something to my brain chemistry. I felt like I had witnessed something so heartbreaking in yet miraculous and inspiring. Before he came home from the hospital, my mom encouraged me to write him a letter, one that would lift his spirits, because he certainly needed it. Writing him that letter, and watching him read it in our living room is a feeling I will never forget. The impact of that entire experience stayed with me and I think maybe the seeds for my future were planted right then and there. (My mom must have known the importance of this moment too because she captured it.)

I went off to college with a whole lot of inspiration behind me and I knew that whatever I did, I wanted to make an impact and help others. It’s not a bad place to start, but there were way too many options for an indecisive kid like me. I began to search high and low for my purpose. It felt like an all-out quest. What was I meant to do in this world? But how do you find something when you’re not sure what you are looking for? You can’t exactly plug the word impact into a job search engine. I felt like I was looking behind a metaphorical door each time something interested me. Could this be it? What about this door?

I thought that when I found my purpose, that there would be fireworks and flashing neon signs. I’m not sure where this romanticized idea came from, but the feeling was deep in my bones. I would envy people who knew exactly what they wanted to do. I would have given anything to have that all knowing. Watching my friends apply for their masters degrees in a specific field only made me feel further away from finding mine. I dove head first into the corporate world because I felt that was the safest option. No passion, just safe.

Well! I was about to get a nice shove in the direction of my beloved purpose quite ruthlessly. When my dad passed away those seeds that were planted years prior, really took root. I felt almost instantly that I would do something with this grief. But what? And how? I had deviated quite far from my dream of helping people at this point. But this loss was so devastating to me and my family that I wanted something good to come out of it. One day.

I would spend the next ten years deep down a corporate path, working jobs that I truly wasn’t passionate about. Squeezing myself into spaces where I never quite fit. I may have been unsure what I wanted to do with my life, but I was certain this was not it. I knew I was on the wrong path but I had no idea how to reroute. Thank goodness I had family and coworkers that lifted my spirits throughout these years.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I actually took an online workshop on finding your purpose- thanks Jay Shetty! I told you this was an all out quest. But this honestly changed the game for me. He gave us some simple yet deep questions to ponder. And once I did this, my wheels really started turning.

What do I enjoy doing? What am I good at? What do I enjoy, but I’m not quite good at it yet? How do I get better at it? What does the world need more of?

Once I found a new direction I had to go even deeper. Am I living a life based on someone else’s standards? I had to set aside any outside expectations- this part almost kept me stuck in corporate. We may find the thing we love to do, but we have to actually believe we can go DO it! My family may have believed in me, but did I? I have to tell you, this deep inner work was HARD! But my crippling self doubt and fear of the unknown is a story for another time!

During the downtime of the pandemic my love for writing really started to blossom. I created a blog and wrote inspirational stories about my grief journey and it really lit a fire inside me. I had a message of hope to spread. I soon became a certified grief coach and began working with non-profit organizations in both the grief and cancer survivor space. And my heart is set on telling my story with the written word and using my voice to keep grief and resilience in the conversation.

When I started reflecting on how I got here, I was reminded of the teenager in this photo who wanted to make an impact. I went back even further remembering that I was the kid pouring over Chicken Soup for the Soul books when everyone else was reading Harry Potter. I also have a mother who is a huge follower of people like Wayne Dyer and Louise Hay and their words echo in my psyche. It took me a while to realize that this path is woven into the fabric of who I am and what I have always loved. I didn’t have to search so hard because this has always been right in front of me. Losing my dad and experiencing grief gave me the final shove in this direction. It set my life on fire with purpose.

The universe is so beautifully twisted. We can literally take our pain and alchemize it into something good, something fulfilling. That is wild. We have to believe there is magic in this mess. I somehow find peace in how tragically and poetically fated this all is.

I don’t have all the pieces of the puzzle figured out, I know this is only the beginning, but I DO have this all knowing that my search is over. For the first time, I have a direction and I have passion. No flashing neon signs, just complete and utter peace, like returning home.

Once we strip away all the things society told us we ought to be, we can return to who we truly are. If you are like me and you are looking around thinking there has got to be more to life- I strongly encourage you to go within. Find the truth. Find your truth. Get curious and ask the big scary questions. Listen to what is whispering to you. In time, it only gets louder. I really believe that if you feel called to do something, and you move in that direction with all your heart, you cannot lose.

And I suppose the most important truth I learned is this- Your purpose isn’t something that YOU find…rather IT finds you. It finds you in the whispers of your inner voice, the nudges of your intuition, your interests and curiosities, maybe the things you loved as a child, and in the things that light your soul on fire. Or sometimes it finds you amongst your deepest wounds. 

What is meant for you, will find you. One way or another. I hope you believe in that with all your heart.